Docawful's Blog

My Corner of the Earth

docawful — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 20:52:32 +0000

Today I woke up and accepted the fact that I am full of bitterness and self-loathing. They say that’s the first step of recovery, is to admit you have a problem. Honestly, I have no problem being full of bitterness and self-loathing. I actually think that, left to my own devices, in a cabin in the woods perhaps, far from people (yet still with internet access so I can indulge in the bright, flashy and vapid cerebral stimulation to which I’ve become accustomed) I would be happy. Were there anyone around to observe me, it’s possible they would even infer from the dissipation of my acquired perma-scowl that I was becoming happy and well adjusted. My largest problem, though, isn’t even all the people around me who I profess to despise. In fact, people on their own aren’t bad. But when you get them in large clusters, the collective IQ begins to diminish, petty things somehow gain a threshold of importance, and we can’t help but inconvenience each other on a daily basis. I tire of parking enforcement, loud urban music and droves of unchecked children running rampant. I tire of ugly hippies who think they are dietary experts, and actors who think they are politically astute. i tire of those who move here but refuse to learn english. I tire of brainwashed Mormons, who believe their church is the only path to God, period, end of story. I tire of militant lesbian-buddhists who believe phrases like “white trash” are hurtful, and should be legally banned (obviously these militant lesbian-buddhists do not understand buddhism). I tire of the fear-mongering republicans, and I tire of the pompous, self-righteous democrats who think they know all the answers to the country’s problem. I tire of the left, who think Obama is the second coming of Christ, and i tire of the right, who think he is the Anti-Christ. i tire of college students who think that, just because they read a fucking book and because Joe Rogan fucking said it, 2012 is the end of our world, without certainty. I would kill for such optimism, but guess what, sophomoric assholes? In all probability, the world will NOT end in 2012 just because you read a fucking book or saw some lame YouTube video. In all probability, this world will still be a leaky septic tank of human toil and triviality, and I’ll be flush in the middle of it, not in my scenic and secluded mountain hideaway, but floating adrift or sinking with the rest of the fecal matter that is supposed to symbolize humanity in my above analogy. Still, I cling to my corner of the Earth, hoping that one day I will learn to accept the world for how it is, and that I may even learn to react to it in such a way that does not involve the aforementioned bitterness and self-loathing. Although, should that happen, this blog would wither and die of neglect. Hmmmmm… There’s incentive. If you want me and my blog to go away, then quit making my life miserable. That’s a good idea… I think I can pitch that. I’ll start a fundraiser based on this premise. Because people are just loaded with expendable income right now in 2010. I’m going to stop writing now.

How I Finally Found Joy in Sports

docawful — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 22:02:43 +0000

Penis Repair

docawful — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 19:45:09 +0000

Good morning, fuckers. Yes, you. All of you. This is the first installment of what could be considered my “blog,” however, many of you may simply see it as a “rant,” or a “diatribe,” or perhaps even as a “cancer to the internet” or “bane to society.” I can only hope and pray. The fact is, most humans are entertained by the misfortune of others, and since I happen to be a pretty miserable and unfortunate individual, you will no doubt be entertained.

Why am I awful? The short and broad answer is because all of you exist. The longer answer entails a series of valid reasons: I am divorced but since I procreated with the woman in question, I will never, ever be clean of my ex-wife who is essentially a vindictive, bi-polar tramp who considers famed American book-burning Nazi Sarah Palin to be a legitimate role model. The state of California is after me for several parking tickets and moving violations. Like most Americans I’m broke, but the worst part is, I won free cosmetic surgery.

That’s right. Free cosmetic surgery. I entered some contest, and basically won, which was an odd and unexpected twist of fate for me. So I go to the doctor’s office for my free consultation, and I see that, in addition to facelifts, tummy tucks and breast implants, they offer penis enlargement. No shit? Penis enlargement? Really? Well, for me it makes more sense than getting a tummy tuck, since I’m not fat. It even makes more sense than getting a facelift, since I hate smiling. And without question, for me a penis enlargement makes more sense than breast implants. So, I got the free penis enlargement surgery. The punch line is, they fucked up and actually made my penis smaller by about two whole inches!

Go ahead. Laugh. It’s not your penis. I can’t blame you, if it were somebody else’s penis, I’d probably laugh too. So anyways, I am down by about two inches. They offered to correct it, but we first have to locate the missing two inches… I don’t know. To be honest, as much as I’d like my two inches back, I really don’t want to go back to that clinic. So, adding to my long laundry list of losses, I can put “two inches” right under “dignity” and “money.”

I suspect a lawsuit is in order. Now, I know what some of you are thinking: if I ever get corrective penis surgery, I can no doubt go be in a porno film like John Wayne Bobbit. Well, here’s the thing, my young frat-minded readers: being in porn isn’t really all that awesome. I have a killer story about that, but I’ll save it for my next rant. For now, you suck and I’m awful. See ya’ next time.

- Doc Awful